Response: Is It Wrong to Have Sex With a Cougar?

Dear Lucia,

Recently you told a 21 year old man who was having great sex with a 52 year old woman to “do his thing.”  If this were a 52 year old man having "great sex" with a 21 year old girl, would you be as encouraging to "do your thing", or would you castigate the man for being a disgusting old man taking advantage of a girl with severe daddy issues, young enough to be his daughter ?  Be honest.  Peter

Dear Peter,

Older men have been having sex with much younger women for ages.  If a 21 year old girl wants to have sex with a 52 year old man, that's her business, and it's not necessarily because she has "Daddy issues."

I'm Attracted to a 19 Year Old Cub

Dear Lucia,

I recently met a guy at a friend’s party.  He didn't tell me his real age when we first met because he said I wouldn't have given him a second glance. The moment we first laid eyes on each other and started talking we hit it off right away, everything faded and it felt like it was just the two of us.

We saw each other again a week later and that's when he told me he was 19.  I was in shock, I didn't know what to say or do.  I became cold and distant to this person who I thought was good for me.  He didn't act 19, his mind isn't 19.  He's smart, he treats me well, he makes me happy, we're compatible on so many levels and he's warm, kind and sweet.  Am I wrong to date him?  In shock

Dear In shock,

It’s interesting to note that if you were a man, you would probably not be writing in to ask me whether you should be dating a 19 year old girl!  Luckily, the double standard that exists in dating regarding age differences is slowly going away.  I believe in 5-10 years, it will no longer be an issue.

You didn’t tell me your age, but it doesn’t matter.  He treats you well, makes you happy, is warm, kind and sweet and you’re compatible on many levels.  Are you wrong to date him?  You’re wrong not to date him.  Enjoy yourself and don’t be too concerned about whether or not it will last.  

I'm In Love With A Cougar

Dear Lucia,

I am in love with a woman I’ve been dating for a month.  How do I make her fall in love with me?  I am 24 yrs old and she's older, but I don't know how old.  I invited her for lunch but she didn't show.  I also invited her last Sunday and again she didn't show up.  I tried her cell phone but she was not picking up.  I was a bit down because we arranged to meet and she didn't show up.  How do I make her understand I'm in love with her?  Please help me.  Derrick

Dear Derrick,

It’s very hard to convince someone of something that isn’t true.  The truth is that you are not in love with her.  I know it, she knows it and maybe somewhere inside you, you know it.  You make be infatuated and obsessed, but you certainly can’t love someone after only one month.  Love develops as a result of getting to know someone.  You don’t even know how old she is!

Although it’s not right for her to stand you up, the reason she’s doing it is because you’re creeping her out.  She’s doesn’t want to turn you down, so she pretends she’s going to see you and then doesn’t show up.  Even if you haven’t said, “I love you” to her, your actions and attitude are showing her that you are way too into her after only one month.  You’re coming across as desperate and unrealistic and that is never attractive.  We all want to be with someone strong.  Someone who is willing to put up with being continually stood up is not strong.  Are you sure you’re even dating?

If there is to be any hope for you, you need to back off immediately.  Don’t call her for a week.  When you do call, don’t ask her out.  Have a short, pleasant conversation and get off the phone.  You can ask her out the next time you talk.  If she doesn’t show up again, she’s not interested or she’s lost interest in you as a result of your actions.  At that point, all you can do is learn from your mistakes and move on.